Yep, probably not getting pregnant, but thanks for asking.

Like many of us on the journey of trying to start a family (whether TTC or trying to adopt or whatever-your-case-might-be), lately I am *so* tired of answering questions about "how we're doing" or "what our plans are".  I mean, come on folks.  I'm a lesbian, in a committed and monogamous marriage.  It's not like I'm just going to pop up pregnant one day at work!  It feels like every few days, some acquaintance or another who happened to hear about our conception efforts over the last few years asks about it.  And given that my doctor has told me I only have IVF left to try (which I'm wary of for waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many reasons to go into here), it all feels so futile to me.

I think the holidays make it worse.  Keiko summed up many reasons why so beautifully in her recent post at http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.com/2011/12/the-infertility-holiday-dash/.  I feel like I see and hear about babies everywhere anymore.... and the worst of all are the many young women I know who get unintentionally pregnant.  Oh my - makes me want to pull out the remaining hairs I have left on my head.  We're planning on going to be with my sister and her family (i.e., husband, my amazing 8 y.o. nephew, my screamacious 3 y.o. niece, the Swedish au pair, their stressed out dog, and the McMansion) for Christmas.  And as much as I am looking forward to being with the kids for Christmas (they're still very into Santa), the whole thing also breaks my heart into so many pieces.  I think if I have to hear one. more. time. about how "lucky I am to have had a girl" I might throw-up on my dear sister's head.

Fundamentally, I think what upsets me the most these days is that I feel like I look infertile.  Does that sound weird?  In the process of TTC (5 IUI cycles w/clomid and then 1 IUI cycle w/follistim and then ovidrel) I gained a lot of weight back I had lost in previous years, and ended up with major hormonal imbalances I didn't have before.  So the female pattern balding is new, the high insulin levels are new.... you get my drift.  While I'm trying to work on all that with my naturopath, it all feels so small in the face of feeling like I'm a walking-poster-child for failure.  It feels written all over every single square inch of my body, like a flashing neon sign screaming "infertile fatty!  infertile fatty!"  I wish I could hide.

So in the mean time.... what to do?  How to get through these days of holiday babies and inappropriate questions from those other than my closest loved ones?  And how to navigate my anxiety about feeling like I am so exposed to the world?

SWA seems to = Shaming Wins! America: Southwest Airlines does it again

I'm a bit speechless at the moment.

AthiaC *** just posted this video *** on her recent experience with Southwest Airlines.  She is publicly shamed and humiliated and told it's for her own good, when it becomes painfully obvious it's simply for pleasing other customers and making more money.

Watch this video.

Share it with your people.

Read more about it at Fat Heffalump ***.

Let Southwest *** know that they can't get away with this. 

Help be one positive force to ending the cultural norms that allow public shaming - of fat people or anyone - to be socially acceptable.

--namaste--

shining sun

PS: My embedded links aren't showing up (yes, I *really* am a newbie).  So look for ***, and the word BEFORE that has a link (if you hover).  Working on learning about this soon!  

speculum blues

In January, I had my annual appointment today with my OB/GYN. She’s a young white woman – younger than I am – who is thin, fit, attractive. I think she might even be pregnant (though I didn’t ask…. You never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless her water breaks on your shoes, right?). This is only the second time I’ve seen her, and I’m not sure she’s a keeper. See, all this matters because we are beginning year two of infertility treatments, and I can’t help but hoping she and her colleagues will be the ones to deliver my baby.

But I digress. When she walks in the room, I can see a little packet of patient information she is carrying to give me… a few pamphlets and a packet of stapled white papers the first of which is a truncated BMI chart. Ironically enough, I do research on overweight and obesity, so I can spot a BMI chart at 50 yards. I think my blood pressure went up about 50 points then, in anticipation of “the talk”. So she does the normal run down: What’s changed in the past year? Do I really need to do a chlamydia and gonorrhea test on you? Any major health changes or family changes? I catch her up on my year (which is another few posts). As she begins my physical exam, she does the breast self exam lecture – she actually tells me to put a monthly check box on my calendar so I can mark it off my list (because that’s what she does). Really?

After she’s finished the physical exam, she begins her visit wrap up with me. She says something I now can’t remember because the next thing she says is “And I am going to recommend you lose weight.” And so she proceeds to walk me through her ridiculous package of written materials, and tells me about how she has a weakness for Snickers and chocolate covered pretzels. She skips over the BMI chart – not sure if it is because she realizes that I must know I’m overweight (I mean, please), or because it’s because my BMI is high enough that it isn’t on her truncated chart. She mentions that Dr. Doe (not his real name) is who put together the written materials, and I remember that she told me a year ago about him.

At my first appointment with her, I asked this young little OB/GYN about her experience working with larger patients who were my size. She handled it pretty well, and so when she talked about how OB patients can end up seeing any of the other doctors, I asked her about them as well. And it is at this point it all clicks – Dr. Doe is the one who she had described as being the least comfortable/tolerant (don’t recall the exact word) of working with fat patients. So I see these materials and it strikes me that this man could deliver me. Just typing these words makes me anxious – I can’t even imagine having him do a physical exam on me much less deliver my child.

And on top of it all, when I get home and actually look at the materials, it is just ridiculous. I mean, outside of the fact that they are written to target a white, college-educated audience, we have known for a long time that written materials alone DO NOT WORK. And his writing is this scientific, linear, “just make it an equation” kind of thinking (the title is literally “WEIGHT LOSS=EAT LESS, MOVE MORE”). I mean really – if I could do that as easy as that kind of math, don’t they think I would have? This skinny white man clearly has absolutely no idea of the things that drive obesity for so many of us.

What is also the most bothersome about this for me is that this little young doc also told me to "hurry up and get pregnant." Ok.... so I'm 37, have been trying to get pregnant for two years, and at this appointment had just told her about a miscarriage last fall, and how I had to wait until the new year to try again because of the related surgery I had to have in December. Did she miss the "common sense and empathy" class in medical school? Oh, that's right.... It's not offered.

So the hunt begins for a new OB/GYN group that I can actually feel safe with.... regardless of where my fertility (or lack thereof) takes me.

What is your experience in this realm? How do you handle this kind of insanity?

new blogger on a search

I'm a newbie. Yep, I admit it. I'm still working on what topic(s) to settle on, and will put up my first post soon. Welcome.... advice and warm fuzzies always welcome.