Like many of us on the journey of trying to start a family (whether TTC or trying to adopt or whatever-your-case-might-be), lately I am *so* tired of answering questions about "how we're doing" or "what our plans are". I mean, come on folks. I'm a lesbian, in a committed and monogamous marriage. It's not like I'm just going to pop up pregnant one day at work! It feels like every few days, some acquaintance or another who happened to hear about our conception efforts over the last few years asks about it. And given that my doctor has told me I only have IVF left to try (which I'm wary of for waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many reasons to go into here), it all feels so futile to me.
I think the holidays make it worse. Keiko summed up many reasons why so beautifully in her recent post at http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.com/2011/12/the-infertility-holiday-dash/. I feel like I see and hear about babies everywhere anymore.... and the worst of all are the many young women I know who get unintentionally pregnant. Oh my - makes me want to pull out the remaining hairs I have left on my head. We're planning on going to be with my sister and her family (i.e., husband, my amazing 8 y.o. nephew, my screamacious 3 y.o. niece, the Swedish au pair, their stressed out dog, and the McMansion) for Christmas. And as much as I am looking forward to being with the kids for Christmas (they're still very into Santa), the whole thing also breaks my heart into so many pieces. I think if I have to hear one. more. time. about how "lucky I am to have had a girl" I might throw-up on my dear sister's head.
Fundamentally, I think what upsets me the most these days is that I feel like I look infertile. Does that sound weird? In the process of TTC (5 IUI cycles w/clomid and then 1 IUI cycle w/follistim and then ovidrel) I gained a lot of weight back I had lost in previous years, and ended up with major hormonal imbalances I didn't have before. So the female pattern balding is new, the high insulin levels are new.... you get my drift. While I'm trying to work on all that with my naturopath, it all feels so small in the face of feeling like I'm a walking-poster-child for failure. It feels written all over every single square inch of my body, like a flashing neon sign screaming "infertile fatty! infertile fatty!" I wish I could hide.
So in the mean time.... what to do? How to get through these days of holiday babies and inappropriate questions from those other than my closest loved ones? And how to navigate my anxiety about feeling like I am so exposed to the world?
